


You Shouldn’t Fear the Reaper But Sazed Should

by Overdramatic_Queer_Antagonist



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Bad Person Sazed (The Adventure Zone), But like they’re fine, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Death, Gen, It’s from Sazed’s POV I’m so sorry, Sazed Being an Asshole (The Adventure Zone), The Adventure Zone-Typical Swearing, i don’t even know how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29349930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Overdramatic_Queer_Antagonist/pseuds/Overdramatic_Queer_Antagonist
Summary: “ Sazed wasn't afraid to die. Not any more than your average person. No, dying didn't scare him that much. It was Death he feared, all three of them.”Aka. Taako gets to dunk on Sazed as God Intended.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Magnus Burnsides & Davenport & Merle Highchurch & Lucretia & Lup & Taako, Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Julia Burnsides/Magnus Burnsides, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 48





	You Shouldn’t Fear the Reaper But Sazed Should

**Author's Note:**

> I’m gonna be honest I have absolutely no idea what this is about. I just like the idea of Sazed not being worth Taako’s time.

Sazed wasn't afraid to die. Not any more than your average person. No, dying didn't scare him that much. It was Death he feared, all three of them.

Sazed was the kind of person to hold firm that he'd done nothing wrong until he wasn't the one in power anymore. And he hadn't had leverage over Taako for a long time. Not since the day of Story and Song.

Most people look upon that day with reverence. The day every world across every reality was saved thanks to one family and their close bond. But Sazed was a self-centered man who was much more worried about how that affected him.

But Sazed was a coward, not an idiot. At the beginning of that day, he thought he'd just turn himself in, make him look remorseful, and then find some way to die quickly. Make him look like a tragic figure who made a mistake and paid dearly for it.

Then he got to the more recent installments. Kravitz would be a problem. As stupid as Sazed was, even he could tell that Taako's boyfriend would definitely not side with him. Even if the relationship was new.

So he resolved to wait. Taako was a moron. He would no doubt find some way to screw it up, and they were famous enough that the tabloids would be all over it. If he timed it right, that Grim Reaper guy might even do him a favor. But nothing ever happened. 

There were tabloids and all. Even some stuff Sazed could get in the slammer. But they were all so wild and so easily disproven. Hell, Sazed wouldn't be surprised to discover that the happy couple came up with the rumors themself as a goof.

Then, of course, a few months later, Taako's sister and brother-in-law ended up reapers. Sazed wouldn't even have known if a necromancer cellmate hadn't bragged about how he'd gotten away from the "Lover" and one of the "Twins". Stupid names. A year or so after that, Taako and Kravitz got married. And all hopes that Sazed had of dying were scrapped.

Now, Sazed had the problem of staying alive. He'd considered turning to necromancy, but he was never magically inclined, and becoming a lich would really just force Sazed to face them faster. No. All he could do was stay as healthy as possible and pray Taako's family forgot his name.

Granted, Sazed did live long. For a human, at least. He even managed a few years as a free man, since his target had been one person, he'd been charged with negligence and attempted first degree. It didn't give him a life sentence but close to it. 

He did die, though. Quite embarrassingly, at that. There was no drama or tragedy to the way Sazed died. He did die alone, but history would look back on that as deserved. He died of old age in his comfortable apartment.

When Sazed came to. He thought he'd gotten lucky. He was in the Astral Plane, that was for sure. But it looked like an empty office building waiting room. Maybe this was hell. Surprisingly clean and bearable, but maybe it was heaven, then.

He quickly discovered he was wrong when a familiar elven woman came into the room. They weren't identical per se -This woman was shorter and stockier than her brother and had longer hair- but the family resemblance was close enough it took Sazed hardly any time at all to figure out who she was. 'Lup". The worst possible option.

She fixed him with a customer service smile and said, "Okay. Well. You died. Sorry about that, babe. Them's the breaks." She sounded both apologetic and a little bored. 

"Let's see," Lup continued, looking down at a book that had materialized in her hands, "You are-" 

She stopped as she read the name on the paper and all Sazed could think of was, "I'm going to fucking kill you now." She'd said that to the lich guy that had dropped a washing machine on Taako. He was fucked. Then she laughed. Hysterically and shouted out the door for the other two reapers. An older human man, Barry, came in not long after. Followed closely by a black half-elf, Kravitz, if he had to guess.

"Everything okay, Lup?" Barry asked. Lup just kept cackling. Pointing down at her book and then to Sazed. Then all three of the reapers, one of the most feared teams in the planer system, were laughing at him.

Lup clapped her hand suddenly. "Okay, ideas. Go. Bones, you don't have to participate 'cuz your idea of embarrassment is chaining someone up to the gallows and throwing rotten fruit at them."

Kravitz (Bones, apparently?) nodded. "You know that actually happened to me once. I insulted the king of Neverwinter. It was a whole thing."

Barry snorted and said, "You need to tell us about that but later. Go call Taako."

Kravitz nodded again and left the room. Lup quickly pulled out her scythe, and for a second, Sazed's life flashed before his eyes. But then she tore at empty space, and a rift to a cozy looking cottage appeared. Three people sat drinking lemonade and messing with a puzzle. None of them looked surprised when the rift opened.

Sazed recognized two of them. The human woman was Lucretia, the Lonely Journal Keeper, and the man was Magnus, the Protector. The half-orc woman, though, he had no idea.

The three smiled and got up, quickly stepping through the rift. 

"Lup!" Magnus said, already grappling her in a hug. "Jules was getting worried you wouldn't make it to puzzle night! What's up?"

Barry giggled. Honest to Jeffandrew, giggled. And nodded towards Sazed. Magnus darkened immediately and gave Sazed a glare strong enough to kill a horse.

"Oh."

"Who's that?" the half-orc- Jules, apparently- asked.

Lucretia put a hand on Jules's shoulder. "Sazed," She hissed like his name was a swear.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Right?" Barry asked.

"He died after Maggie?"

"Uhuh."

"And now we're going to embarrass him?"

"That's the plan. Just waiting on the okay from Taako."

Magnus opened the door and yelled down the hall, "Krav! Can you tell Taako to hurry up? I really wanna rip this dork's arms off, but I don't want him to miss it!"

A voice yelled, "I will but don't do that! That's a human rights violation!"

"I think all of this can be considered cruel and unusual punishment, but okay!"

Not long after, there was another tearing sound followed by a familiar voice.

"Sorry, I'm late! Had to finish helping Ango like a  _ good _ dad." The devil himself said as he walked through the door. Not even caring to look at Sazed.

Kravitz rolled his eyes, "Babe, Angus is 48 and didn't  _ ask  _ for my help."

"Are you still pressed because I'm his favorite?"

"This is why I'm cheating on you with Barry," Kravitz shot back, completely straight-faced.

"I'm cheating with Barry, too. You aren't special," Taako said, equally deadpanned. "Anyways. What's going on?" He asked, scanning the room. He grinned like he’d just been given a present when his eyes landed on Sazed. "Oh. I see."

"We wanted to know what you wanted before we did anything, babe," Lup explained.

Taako looked at Sazed for the first time since he'd been framed for murder. Sazed was ready for his soul to be destroyed. That's what he would do. But Taako just shrugged. "There a non-necromancer hell?" He asked, turning away from Sazed to look at Barry.

"Well, it's not actually hell, but yeah. I guess."

"Then why are we even wasting our time with this loser? Dude's probs getting off on all this attention. Let's just go get Olive Garden or something."

Sazed expected some disagreement on this. After all, he'd ruined Taako's life. He deserved some fanfare. But they all just shrugged. The only argument came from Lucretia.

"Do they still do take out? Magnus, Julia, and I are like- dead," Lucretia pointed out.

Lup hummed. "No point if it's take out. Can't use the unlimited pasta pass. I'll just make something." She stepped through the rift back into the cottage, and everyone else followed after.

"Did anyone call Merle and Davenport?"Magnus asked as he went through.

The last thing Sazed ever heard of the Birds was Barry saying, "Was that my job? SHIT!"

They left him in that empty waiting room overnight. It was pretty strange that nobody else ever came in, actually, but that might just have been Raven Queen magic. At some point, around noon, a different reaper came to collect him. They hardly spoke and didn't even seem to fully register him. Sazed had never thought he'd wait so impatiently for death.


End file.
